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Notices by fortune -o (fortune)
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To a weepy young woman in Thrums
Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
Of allowing your tears
To fall into my ears -
I think they have rotted the drums."
-- Edward Gorey
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When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
BILL ... Don't you SEE? O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
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"Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the
sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't
want you to do or else you'll to to a burning place with a lake of
fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs
money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!"
[George Carlin, on Politically Incorrect, May 29, 1997]
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There was a young girl from Decatur
Who was raped by an alligator.
But no one quite knew
How she relished that screw,
For after he screwed her, he ate her.
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I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
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A god's primary function is to confirm for us deeply held beliefs that
we can't let go of, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. When
you are totally and absolutely convinced of something fundamentally
unreasonable, it helps to believe you have divine guidance.
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There was a young miss from Johore
Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
In a manner uncanny
She'd wobble her fanny,
And drain your nuts dry to the core.
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We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
your cities.
-- Robin Williams
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"Let us remember that those who have sought natures truths have not persecuted
their neighbors. The astronomers and chemist have forged no chains and built
no dungeons. The geologist have invented no instruments of torture. The
philosophers have not demonstrated the truths of their theories by burning
others. The great infidels, the thinkers have lived for the good of humankind.
Intellectual liberty is the fresh air of the universe and the sunshine of the
soul. Without it, the universe is a prison."
[Robert G. Ingersoll]
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The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
That when posed on her toes
She elaborately shows
Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
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A pious old woman named Tweak
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
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FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4
Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!?
Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........
Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case!
Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here?
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There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
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There was a young girl from East Lynn
Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
Had filled up her crack
With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.
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So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
There once was a man from Nantucket!
Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
So it's ai yi yi yi,
Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie!
There once was a young man from Boston!
Who drove around town in an Austin!
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
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I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
-- Gore Vidal
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The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art ...
but they know what they like!
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TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
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[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
we allow them short of hanging.
-- Samuel Johnson
America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its
tail it knocks over a chair.
-- Arnold Toynbee
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
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A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
"No."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
fortune -o
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